see... i couldnt understand how can i love someone and hate him at the same time... its too bloody confusing.... i hate it when i get so needy and demanding... :( i do like this boy so much... i couldnt even dare to be jealous in front of him or i try to pretend that i'm not... i have this insignia of getting emotionally involve someone away from me... the situation is very tormenting, and i ask myself, why do i keep myself feeling torn up....? got no clue why i like to be hurt so much.... okey, he's thousand miles away from me... it may mean something to him the moments we spent but why would he even put me in a situation where we could date while we're not near each other? i know i agreed of dating other people, well, he's dating other people, and i decided not too... he has his way to make to me... and i was always just inviting... i just really dont have the patience... i just cant stand still here... why do some other people even thousand miles away, it was easy for them to commit despite the doubts, hesitations, and mistrust that might come in package with the distance... and why cant he just do that :( for a mere long time, ive been shutting myself not to say anything... i have been scared of saying 'iloveyous' because its turned to a cliche and everytime i say it, and get unresponded, it hurts like hell.... havent said it...for a very long time... i couldnt identify it...
i hate feeling this way thinking he wont feel the same as i do... i still wanted him, like i used to.... i cant slow it down... i have been trying.... but it scares me that if i even show more than an affection, sweetness and all, he would be ashame and rejecting... i have been born showing off my emotions... public display of affection they call it... however, i remember this one time... ive never felt so rejected in my entire whole life when something affectionate i wrote was removed.... i could never forget that moment... i hate it when i drown myself in misery.... sometimes, i wanna believe myself, that indeed i maybe an asshole magnet.... or im making myself a big asshole out of it....
and i hate the fact of still hoping, indeed, he will ask me not to be in an open situation.... like who am i kiddin...
listening to: i want you - kings of leon
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